The only way I can describe it is that I am grieving for my life. I miss my life and I want it back. Everything about my life in Providence was perfect except that Chad did not have a job. Now he has a job and everything else is upside down.
The actual physical move was hard. But the building up of a life here has been more than I think anyone could prepare for. I was not naive enough to think this would be easy but I was not prepared for things like having to fill up the oil tank for heat for $600 and propane for $200 and buy wood for $500. I was not prepared to have to register our cars and pay taxes on them again when we just did that in UT a few months ago. I was not prepared for the isolation and lack of social networking. I was not prepared to have a hurricane come and destroy what little shopping there was and wonder how I'm going to buy clothes for my kids. I was not prepared to need several thousands of dollars of dental work done. I was not prepared to have to find a job so quickly to compensate for the cost of living. It seems we have had blow after blow. To have the cold, hard facts face us has been very, very difficult. The dreams I had of having more kids, of staying home with the ones I have, and of buying a house are gone. I am trying to be brave as I say goodbye to those dreams. I am facing the facts and trying to salvage my hope. We knew it was right for us to come here and I have to have hope that things will work out. I have to be honest that I have been very tempted to leave. It would be ok if I just bought plane tickets for me and the kids and flew home right? Deep down, I know that wouldn't solve anything. I have found a temporary job and have applied for a permanent one. What will I do with the kids? I don't know yet. I am overwhelmed with panic at the thought of what I will do with the children and equally depressed at the thought of working nights. The blurry, tired, days will stretch on. I have been grocery shopping just every other week, using savings and food-storage. A blessing we have them, yes, but difficult to see my hard-earned nest egg going. I miss my family and friends so much. I miss the gym. I miss Macey's and Zeppe's and Papa Murphy's. I miss having garbage and recycling service. I miss having a health department (there isn't one here - where do you go for a TB test and flu shots?). I miss sidewalks and parks. I miss.... sigh. I just want my life back. The only thing more painful than this is when my Dad died and honestly, this is probably just as hard for I have lost so much. Am I being dramatic? No. I am being honest. As the leaves are falling, I feel that I am gaining some closure. Not peace. Yet. But I am embracing that this is my life and I will not allow myself to be claimed by depression. Last night I kept awaking with the thought in my head, "He desires to sift you as wheat." This is a chance for our family to grow stronger and with every tear I shed I will take a step forward. Maybe someday soon I will stop crying and then heal and then thrive.
10 comments:
Oh sweetheart, my heart is aching for you . . . so much. Life is so hard. I think of you all day and my prayers are constant. You are very loved.
Oh Wendi, Wendi. I am sorry that the move has been so hard. I need to call and talk to you:) I know that it is so hard to move but just remember Chad, remember Carter, Kate, and Eli. Forget all the material aspects and always keep family first and central. Everything else will follow. Take a deep breath and BREATHE!! You will survive! I promise:)
I feel for you! I feel like in some ways I can empathize. When we left everything and moved to Texas the salary promised ended up being almost half of what was promised and then eight months later they told Josh they couldn't employ him anymore. I went to work, Josh went through three jobs in four months. And I questioned why we were there. We now have a great job, good friends but I still have homesickness and pangs from time to time. I hope things turn around quickly for you!
I understand your worries. I am so sorry for your constant ache that you are going through. I am definitely not on here to tell you what you need to do, or how to feel. But, I do have a quote by Jeffery R Holland. I don't know if it will help, but for me when I hear quotes by The 12 Apostles I feel so much better, and I feel peace. If only for a moment. It says " Once there has been genuine illumination beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts....Certainly don't give in to that being who has bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. Cast not away therefore your confidence. Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."
I love you, and our Savior does too.
Love you.
Wendi, my heart is breaking for you...I really can only imagine how difficult it must be. Your family is amazing, and you especially are a huge example to me - I honestly have shared stories about "the most incredible visiting teacher I ever had" often since I last lived in Providence and think of you more than you know. I admire your honesty; you are one of the strongest, most positive persons I have ever met!
My word, dear Wend. I'm crying at work. Darn you! JK. I had many thoughts go through my head as I read your honesty...
1) I understand the "this is not what I had planned" shock OH SO WELL...but...
2) as difficult as times like these are, your Savior understands...take the time to get to know Him as the One who will get you back to feeling comfortable wherever you are
3) the hard times are the ones that your children will remember most fondly (if my siblings are any indication)
4) you and Chad and your family can and will become a pillar of strength no matter your location
Stay strong, Wend. I've seen you overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles many times before. You can do anything.
Wendi,
While reading this I couldn't stop the tears. I know how you feel and at the same time know that my situation is not nearly as hard as yours. When we found out about Chris actually getting a job we could not contain our excitement. But then the reality of leaving our friends (just like family), or beloved Moscow, our wonderful ward. And the hardest was the realization that even though Chris had a job the pay coupled with the expense of living in SLC was not going to allow us to leave "student life" financially, and in fact, it was going to get tighter! It has been a scary and sometimes depressing adjustment. But then when I read what you are making it through I have a serious amount of admiration for you! You are an example to me, especially since you are honest with your feelings, but trying to make it work! I hope and pray that things start to look up for you! Love you!
When we moved to Indiana we got there on a Friday and John had his first day of work on Monday. We were renting a little apartment and had sold all our furniture so that we wouldn't have to rent the great "big" uhaul. That monday we encountered the first of many, MANY, severe weather days and as I sat in my bare little apartment with my shell shocked little kids and no tv or internet or phone service and wind so strong I honestly thought our apartment building was going to crumble to the ground, I thought, I HATE it here. Why did we do this? And, why would anyone choose to live in a place like this? I can totally relate. My mantra in Indiana became, "I can do hard things." Really really really hard things. So can you, and you will be better for it. I hope things get better but even if they don't you really can do hard things.
Oh Wend, I am so sorry about everything. I hope you know I admire you so, so much for all you do. I will keep praying for you guys and hoping things will turn up. Love you!
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